Relationship Problems - Turning Hatred Into Love

Relationship problems - transform hate into love.jpeg

In today’s blog we are going to be exploring about how hate plays out in relationship problems. You will learn how to bring mindfulness to powerful emotions like hatred and how to become more heart-centred and loving.

Last weekend I visited London. It was the first time I had been back for over 11 years.

As I came into London I had a deep insight. I realized that I used to hate the city. And yet what I realized is that it wasn't London that I hated. Actually what I hated was myself.

What the city of London was showing me in the 1990s was that I needed to learn to love myself. I didn't see it at the time but that was the journey I went on – learning to love myself.

And being in the city this weekend I realized that I had learned to love again and I had learned to love myself.

This idea can be translated for relationships issues too. Are there aspects of your partner that you dislike, feel annoyed by or hate? Are there times when you feel that you can't handle the relationship problems any more and strong emotions are filling you? You want out. You've had enough.

And yet could your partner be guiding you, as London did with me? Could it be that the hatred that you feel is not in your partner, but in you?

These are powerful questions to ask and yet most do not ask these question for fear of what they might find.

But if we do not do this work now, then in the next relationship and the one after that we will manifest exactly the same scenarios – the same feelings of hatred.

Bringing Mindfulness To Hatred

This is why it is so important to do the work and transform these feelings. My relationship advice is that it is so important to do the inner work. To acknowledge this is what I feel – not deny it. Feel it – this is what hatred feels like. Where can you feel it in your body? What are the physical sensations of hate. And with judgement free awareness you feel.

Soften the body. Relax your shoulders. Feel the hate. Give to space to it rather than dumping onto others.

What you will notice as you start to embody and feel these feelings is that you will see that they change.

You will also see that this is not the first time that you have felt these feelings. This is not the first person for whom you have felt hatred.

And when you see that – the tension and the stress starts to dissolve. And so the feeling of hatred dissolves too.

Nothing Wrong With The Feeling

There is nothing wrong with feeling hate. When you truly feel this feeling then it transforms.

What is unfortunate is that most people project their hatred onto others and say that it is due to external circumstances or people.

But as you look throughout your life at all the times you have felt hatred then the common denominator is 1 person. And that is you. It might be hard to hear but this truth can be transformative and exceptionally healing.

You have been carrying this feeling all these years. And you can let this go by really feeling into it and doing the above mindfulness practice as soon as these feelings arise.

Transforming Hatred Into Love

How do you transform hatred into love? For me it is an ongoing process. Inner work is a journey and one that I feel I will be constantly on. I always want to grow and I always want to go deeper.

An exercise you can use to start to change hate into love is the following which comes from the Heart Math institute:

The Quick Coherence Technique

  1. Place your hand over your heart and start to feel the sensations of the hand resting there. You can close your eyes.

  2. Keep your focus on these sensations for at least a minute

  3. Then start to imagine that you have a mouth in your heart and that you are breathing in and out through your heart.

  4. Do this for another minute. If you get distracted then gently bring your awareness back to your breath.

  5. Then start to remember a really positive and uplifting memory. That could be on holiday, or when you were a child, and a time when you felt amazing. Feel this feeling in your heart and let it grow. Do this for at least a minute.

  6. Drop your hand and open your eyes when you are ready.

The above practice is a really powerful way to transforming hatred into love and resolving your relationship problems. Do this everyday to help transform your relationship.

To keep doing the work and to receive a 3 video series helping you to transform your relationship please click here.

3 Ways Men Can Take Responsibility For Their Intimate Relationship


In intimate relationships it can be easy to give our power away and blame others. For men this can be often what we do. “It's their fault,” “They didn't wash up,” “They aren't listening”, “They're always angry at me,” and so on.

And yet when you deal with your own stuff so much gold can be uncovered. What we see in relationships is that most men (and most women) like to blame others. Rather than take responsibility for what has appeared in their life, they give their power away.

Does this sound familiar? Is this something you see in the world around you or maybe in your own relationship?

What are 3 ways of taking responsibility for your relationship and therefore making positive changes?


1. Notice when you want to blame your partner

The first step of taking responsibility for your relationship is starting to catch yourself when you want to blame your wife or partner. Draw the words back, draw the thoughts back and start to feel. What am I feeling here? And start to breathe with this feeling.

You can repeat the words, “This is what blame feels like...” “I can feel this.” And notice where you feel it. And give space to that feeling – which means relax your body, and soften your shoulders. Soften and slow your breathing. Without judgment or it being wrong in any way. Feel it.

Notice when you want to blame your partner and restrain yourself. Your work is to take responsibility for what you are feeling. Remember to breathe...

2. When something goes wrong take responsibility for your part

When the shit hits the fan, so to speak, do you look within? Do you look at the situation and say, “Hey, something went wrong here – how was I responsible for that?”

Now, the idea with this practice is be brutally honest. But not to beat yourself up. It is be so honest that you see where you messed up and where you can change and grow. You see, an evolving man takes responsibility for what shows up in his life and wants to learn and grow all the time.

The evolving man knows that if an organism is not growing then it is dying. And he is catching himself continuously, especially in relationship with his partner.

“How have I contributed to this situation?” A man who doesn't want to grow will blame others. And yes, on the surface it might seem that, “My wife has crashed the car, this is the truth and she is to blame.” But an evolving man will ask the question. “What state was she in that made her drive like that? Did our argument before she set out wobble her?” A man who wants to grow wants to know the answers so that he can make changes. Others might pass the buck and say, “It's nothing to do with me!” In my opinion this person will not grow...

A man who has developed his heart will reflect, “My wife must be really hurting now. Yes, she crashed the car and she is probably giving herself a really hard time. The last thing she needs now is someone else berating her.” So his heart softens and he is truly there for his woman.

So when something goes wrong in your relationship take full responsibility for it. Ask the question, “How have I contributed to this?” And do all you can to support your partner and to change your future behaviour.

3. Speak from your heart and be honest with your woman

Men have generally been brought up not to share too deeply. Often as boys vulnerability was met with derision and humiliation. We fell over and we cried, and the other boys or even our parents cried out, “Boys, don't cry! Get up and grow up!” So boys can grow up being careful what they say and how honest they are. And this is especially the case where emotions are concerned.

Yet in intimate relationships this is a handicap. A woman is well versed in emotions and expects her man to be well versed too. She presumes that he will understand her. She presumes that he will communicate with her when he is struggling either in the relationship or in his life. But he has been taught that to open up is dangerous.

And yet an evolving man has to start to step up. He has to face his fear about being humiliated and speak from his heart. “I am hurting now”, “I love you so much and am frightened that you will leave,” “I feel scared that I will lose my job,” “I was really frightened when you crashed the car and that is why I reacted like that”, “I am really excited because I am going to see my son this weekend and feel really proud!”

An evolving man gives from his heart because that is his purpose, that is his gift. He is not concerned whether anyone will receive this. He speaks from his heart not because he wants love from anyone but because he wants to give love, to serve the world and especially his woman.

So if you want to take responsibility for your intimate relationship start to speak from your heart and be honest. Admit when you've messed up, tell her of your love..

These are some reflections about how to start to take responsibility for your intimate relationship. Watching when you want to blame and catching yourself. Taking responsibility for what turns up in your life and learning to speak from your heart.

Please feel free to comment below...

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