relationship problems

Relationship Problems - Turning Hatred Into Love

Relationship problems - transform hate into love.jpeg

In today’s blog we are going to be exploring about how hate plays out in relationship problems. You will learn how to bring mindfulness to powerful emotions like hatred and how to become more heart-centred and loving.

Last weekend I visited London. It was the first time I had been back for over 11 years.

As I came into London I had a deep insight. I realized that I used to hate the city. And yet what I realized is that it wasn't London that I hated. Actually what I hated was myself.

What the city of London was showing me in the 1990s was that I needed to learn to love myself. I didn't see it at the time but that was the journey I went on – learning to love myself.

And being in the city this weekend I realized that I had learned to love again and I had learned to love myself.

This idea can be translated for relationships issues too. Are there aspects of your partner that you dislike, feel annoyed by or hate? Are there times when you feel that you can't handle the relationship problems any more and strong emotions are filling you? You want out. You've had enough.

And yet could your partner be guiding you, as London did with me? Could it be that the hatred that you feel is not in your partner, but in you?

These are powerful questions to ask and yet most do not ask these question for fear of what they might find.

But if we do not do this work now, then in the next relationship and the one after that we will manifest exactly the same scenarios – the same feelings of hatred.

Bringing Mindfulness To Hatred

This is why it is so important to do the work and transform these feelings. My relationship advice is that it is so important to do the inner work. To acknowledge this is what I feel – not deny it. Feel it – this is what hatred feels like. Where can you feel it in your body? What are the physical sensations of hate. And with judgement free awareness you feel.

Soften the body. Relax your shoulders. Feel the hate. Give to space to it rather than dumping onto others.

What you will notice as you start to embody and feel these feelings is that you will see that they change.

You will also see that this is not the first time that you have felt these feelings. This is not the first person for whom you have felt hatred.

And when you see that – the tension and the stress starts to dissolve. And so the feeling of hatred dissolves too.

Nothing Wrong With The Feeling

There is nothing wrong with feeling hate. When you truly feel this feeling then it transforms.

What is unfortunate is that most people project their hatred onto others and say that it is due to external circumstances or people.

But as you look throughout your life at all the times you have felt hatred then the common denominator is 1 person. And that is you. It might be hard to hear but this truth can be transformative and exceptionally healing.

You have been carrying this feeling all these years. And you can let this go by really feeling into it and doing the above mindfulness practice as soon as these feelings arise.


Transforming Hatred Into Love

How do you transform hatred into love? For me it is an ongoing process. Inner work is a journey and one that I feel I will be constantly on. I always want to grow and I always want to go deeper.

An exercise you can use to start to change hate into love is the following which comes from the Heart Math institute:

The Quick Coherence Technique

  1. Place your hand over your heart and start to feel the sensations of the hand resting there. You can close your eyes.

  2. Keep your focus on these sensations for at least a minute

  3. Then start to imagine that you have a mouth in your heart and that you are breathing in and out through your heart.

  4. Do this for another minute. If you get distracted then gently bring your awareness back to your breath.

  5. Then start to remember a really positive and uplifting memory. That could be on holiday, or when you were a child, and a time when you felt amazing. Feel this feeling in your heart and let it grow. Do this for at least a minute.

  6. Drop your hand and open your eyes when you are ready.


The above practice is a really powerful way to transforming hatred into love and resolving your relationship problems. Do this everyday to help transform your relationship.




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